Self-Blame, Evolution and a New Resolution
Two days ago, it finally hit me why I have partly been unable to move forward romantically with anybody for the past couple of years. To be honest, this is scary to write because this is a part of my life I never put out publicly. Also, digging through the earth on this subject means I have to change, and change is hard. However, for the benefit of a mental change of self and a teachable moment for another, I will share what self-blame has taught me in the past and my new resolution.
So here is where it begins: I am on Instagram (i call it the vicious tool of comparison in todays world) and I see friends, acquaintances and strangers sharing amazing reels and photos with the world, showing off how beautiful their love and relationships are (by all means, please show off by the way- life is short and these memories must be recorded. Do it proudly!). In that moment, my mind is instantaneously thrown as far back as 2012 when I first dated the most handsome, kind and determined man I had met at that point in my life. I replay each moment in my mind- when we met, how we talked, the way he made me feel, the tingling I felt in my stomach, how we fought and how we finally broke up. Bitter sweet. I remember how painful that year was trying to get him back because yooh…this girl had never loved so deeply before! I remember how my efforts to reconcile were rejected each time. I remember trying to recover with a rebound. I remember the tears and the question i asked myself each time, ‘Why did I ruin it?’
Self- blame taught me I am not good enough
Suddenly, a voice breaks my thought circuit.
The Voice: ‘ How long will you blame yourself?’
Pause.
The Voice: ‘You were young. You did not know better. So how long will you stay in this state?’
It occurred to me that I have been living in a state of self blame for such a long time, years after that relationship ended. This emotional abuse of self became so familiar, I have carried it with me through every relationship and through the years to this day. Self-blame taught me three things:
I am not whole enough and so, I am not worthy of love and respect.
I cannot make rational decisions and so, I cannot be trusted.
I am not good enough and so, not enough for anybody.
With self-blame, I did not consider the fullness of self I can offer to another person nor the maturity and wholesomeness I have developed over the years. Nor my ability to make and trust the decisions I make when it comes to love. In other words, self-blame has kept me from celebrating how I have evolved so beautifully physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
So now what?
I have made a simple resolution.
‘THOU SHALL NOT LINGER IN THE SHADOWS OF SELF BLAME’
I have decided that failure cannot paralyze my ability to love and be loved. I have decided that I will take responsibility for my actions even the negative, and I will learn from them. I have decided that my self-blame of other peoples’ negative actions is too heavy of a burden that I will not carry. I have decided to be patient with myself- extend grace to myself- love myself- and embrace myself including my shortcomings. Most importantly, i have decided to rest myself of my past blames and welcome all the love and joy in the world. It is time to turn the pages of my love story.
And this is my God-given right.
